I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
