Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
