My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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