I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
