One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
