Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
