He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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