I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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