I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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