I looked at my own cervix.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize