I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
