You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
