I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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