Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
