I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I party with great urgency now.
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