I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
