I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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