I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
