so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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