So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
