just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
