I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
