Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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