My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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