i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
