my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
