honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
