Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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