There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize