I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
