Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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