Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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