Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
