Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize