You can't motorboat a personality
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
