$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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