I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
