You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
