just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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