You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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