i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
