i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
