when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
