a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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