when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
