He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
