Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
