My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
