Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
