i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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