you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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