I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
