At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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