dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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