"it" just moved
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
