it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
