There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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